Memoir

I wake up in tears ..or...my eyes are usually wet in the morning.its even harder to get off the bed than usual.
its her in the mind all the time. no matter what i do.
i have no interest to do anything. its like what Bruce Wayne said, "there s nothing out there for me ,Alfred"
i m too depressed to do anything. even the things which i subconciously did, is coming into the conscious state now,something as simple as checking Whatsapp or Facebook ,there is something pulling me away from everything.
afraid that her sight might make me furthermore depressed.

then there is this long lucid pause during the regular day to day activities. i get cut off from the reality somehow and would stare in to the infinity all of a sudden.people might be thinking i m crazy.

her texts makes me go haywire. the other day,she texted me their photo together. i exploded. the rush of blood to the brain. the silent scream exhausting the facial muscles . looking in to the mirror and screaming silently , while sad and tragic music playing in the background.
her profile pictures and her status updates crushed me often.i think of deleting the thread and to move on ,but havent yet found the strength . may be i am addicted to this pain. may be that is  what makes me feel alive.
she is one of the very few people who has the power to destroy me.

i constantly think that i have a chance .since they are fighting most of the time ,there is a chance for someone getting tired of that and finally breaking up .and that John Mayer quote “ Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else but, they're not as good as you'll be. You just gotta wait your turn. She's out there, he's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against" gives me hope.

the subconcious mind picking up lyrics related to her ,and the amazement ,depression and sad realization that followed.

the bed is where i always am. turning around and curling,hugging the pillow, asking myself where i went wrong...whom to blame.....
parents, 'the' woman, myself..???

there is nothing like the feeling of empty headedness. when the mind is shallow,haunted and dead. whenever i close my eyes, the ringing in my ear is what i hear. life inside a small box.
the urge to cry out loud and scream. the feeling that no shoulder,other than hers, can make me smile. it sucks.

the deep breath before texting or replying her and trying to look normal infront of her while the hands tremble, and being the sad lunatic infront of everybody else.

thought of ending life ,once may be. the carbon monoxide. but then I thought to myself what if they break up and i m not there for her ,and some other thoughts about the purpose of life ,kept me from doing anything stupid.

and when i get alone suddenly after being in a crowd, there is this feeling of the mind crashing down , falling into an endless pit. the first thing coming to the mind is always her. that moment alone in the dark doom.

no matter what i force myself to do to make myself feel happy and move on, like fapping to porn, after i am done ,some motherfucker from a place i never knew existed in my head says "it will be him and her, one day in their private time" .

the worst thing is that i dont have a default happy thought now. like, earlier whenever something horrible happened, i would think of her.
and i would be happy and peaceful.the stress used to go away. now thinking of her is like the paradise on fire.

wonder when i ll be happy again.

mentaly tired to do things, i sleep early.

a bunch of friends, the Batman Vs Superman , Marvel , SDCC, 9GAG, Facebook and Youtube gave me a glimpse of happiness.

and suddenly there is time to catch up with other friends.

the infinite hopless hope is my greatest strength and weakness,i think. hoping they would break up. hoping for her to open her eyes and really see me.hoping that "the dots" would connect in the end as Steve Jobs said. hoping for a smile on my face again.

what does the future have for me...??? i often think about the Harvey Dent quote "you either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain"
or are all these events preparing me for something incredible which is yet to happen...??

i m still waiting. for the Answer